If things were different
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: What if even through all of the pain that Gin suffered there was a light at the end of the tunnel that wasn't just another oncoming train? What if Izuru had known about the abuse Gin suffered from Aizen? What would have happened if things were different?


Summary -  
What if even through all of the pain and the lies that Gin suffered there was a light at the end of the tunnel that wasn't just another oncoming train? What if Izuru had knows about the abuse he was suffering at the hands of Aizen? Would Izuru still hate him then? Even after Gin hurt him? This is if things were different...

* * *

As the summary suggests, this is related to my abuse fics. My 'Tales of the manipulated' series. This is 'Abusive compulsive', 'Manipulating the mentalist' and 'My imitated smile'.

This 'little' scene takes place somewhere in the plot after chapter 8 in MTM and just before chapter 17 in MIS. This is an AU for those two fics. [I rated it mature just to be on the safe side]

Which begs the question – "if things were different, could they have loved?"

much thanks to Crazyfeatherhead for beta'ing my attempts at yaoi and not letting me touch this idea until after crazy November (aka NaNo) was done, and to thebrownwerewolf for giving me the go ahead to upload. Much love to those guys.

Also, I do not own bleach and anyone saying otherwise is a liar.

Okay, I'm done. On with the fic that will (hopefully) make us all feel better about le abuse!!!!

* * *

_If things were different then_

_If things were different now_

_If only I knew your suffering_

_If I only saw your pain_

_._

_If only you had told me_

_If only, then, I knew_

_Then maybe I'd do something_

_To maybe make it stop_

_  
But still you tried to hide from me_

_And pushed me far away_

_But still if you had come to me_

_And said you needed help_

_  
I know I can not stop it_

_I know I can not try_

_I cannot move the earth or sky_

_Nor even split the sea_

_  
But still if you had told me_

_If you'd had the strength to say _

_Then maybe I could help you_

_And take away your pain_

_[From Izuru to Gin. Steal Wolf-chan's poem without permission and suffer greatly. Tis copyrighted. Copyrighted!!! it belongs to me!!! Asky before you repost anywhere please. Yeah, I procrastinated writing this and thus the poem came into being]_

* * *

"Any broken heart can be fixed with the right doctor."  
- wolfy-chan

**  
If things were different**

It was late at night. Either late at night or very early in the morning. Either way Izuru couldn't tell because it was still dark out. He tossed and turned in his bed, but he just couldn't seem to drift away into sleep. The moon was shining down through the window to his room through the window. But he couldn't sleep. He could have taken all the sleeping pills in the world and still he wouldn't have been able to sleep.

Everything was all starting to pile on top of him, and it was all starting to become far too much for him to handle any more. Everything that had happened to him; nearly drowning, being rescued, and then finding out that Gin was the one that had done it all, it was just so much to take in.

And what of Gin anyway?

Izuru wasn't stupid. He could see the cuts. He could see the bruises. The bruises that he tried to cover up, the bruises that he would try to hide from him. He knew what was going on. He knew why Gin wouldn't let Izuru touch him, or even let him get remotely near to him. He could see the panic there in his eyes, even if nobody else could.

He sighs again. Trying to fall asleep, but he knows it is pointless. He knows that he will not sleep tonight. He knows that he can't stop thinking about everything that was and has been going on between both him and Gin. But nonetheless, he still tries to make himself sleep.

* * *

Elsewhere, there is the sound of heavy and shaky breathing echoing in the quietness. And what once was painful and bone chilling screaming is now just quiet whimpers of pure suffering.

There is blood. There is a lot of blood. And where there was blood, there was violence. And the more blood there was, the more graphic the violence.

Gin's cries go unheard. Either that or they just fall upon deaf ears. He is the one who is being violated. Being torn apart and being made to bleed. And yet he can do nothing about it. He is too weak to fight against his abuser, and he knows it. He knows already from previous experience that it was useless to struggle and that it is useless to try and fight back, because doing that only makes the torture worse.

"Ow…"

More heavy breathing. More pain. Another harsh thrust into his body. More blood. Another pained whimper.

It just wouldn't end. The pain. The torture. The meaningless and hurtful sex.

It only ended when he became filled with disgusting fluid. Only then did Aizen remove himself from Gin. Leaving him to lie there, alone and hurt. Damaged. Damaged so severely that it was near impossible to try and repair the broken pieces. After all, Aizen was someone that he knew and trusted. 'Was' being the key word here.

He felt vile. So used and abused. Heartbroken. He was lying on his back on the bed, in the pool of his own blood, in so much pain. Being unable to move.

He watches as his abuser dresses himself again. Still shaking and bleeding on the bed. He is done with him… for now. For tonight at least.

He watches as the door closes shut behind Aizen as he leaves, leaving him there, cold and alone. Bruised and hurt. He lies there for a while, trying to gain some feeling in his lower body again. After what he felt to be a long while he tried to get up, but when his feet touched the floor he quickly found that his legs didn't have the strength to support him. So he just collapsed onto the floor, snarling quietly and painfully.

"God it hurts…"

His hand reaches for his clothes, and somehow he finds the strength to drag his body up and onto its shaking feet for long enough to put his shihakusho on again before he hits the floor again. Because his legs will not support the weight of him and his lower body is half paralysed. Pain tore through his pelvis every time he tried to get up and walk. It was agony, pure agony. He nearly cried he was in that much pain.

"Owie…"

His breathing struggles and he does cry. In the end he does cry. For he is hurting, he is in a lot of physical and emotional pain. He feels used and abused and unloved. He feels betrayal and anger at what is being done to him. He just lies there and cries for it all. At what he is powerless to stop, at what he is powerless to control.

He cries. He cries until he feels that he can cry no more. And then he gets up, struggling, and leaves the room, erasing all traces that he ever has broken down from his face as he leaves. Recomposing himself to the usual smile as he leaves the room. Making his way to go and see the only person that he thinks to understand what he is going through.

He goes to see Izuru.

* * *

The door softly creaks open and Gin lingers in the doorway to the young shinigami's room. He does not turn the light on. For he does not want to wake him up. He does not want to burden Izuru with his problems. He just wants to talk to him while he is sleeping, like he has done before after he was abused. Taken against his will. He wants to love this creature, but he knows not how. He doesn't even know _how _to love any more. So he just has to settle for watching him sleep.

He quietly steps over and sits on the foot of the bed, and all the while Izuru pretends to be asleep, like he always has. But he is wide awake.

Gin's hand softly strokes his blonde hair, not saying anything. But Kira stirs. Wakened properly by the soft hand in his mussed up hair.

"Ta- Taichou?"

He looks up only to see that smile again. Not a menacing smile like he imagines, but a different kind of smile this time. He is in Izuru's room again, and he knows what this means.

"Hey Izuru." Gin says quietly, his voice somewhat hoarse from all of the screaming from before. He is tired, no, exhausted. His body has been ravaged by what could only be described as a bloodthirsty monster. The other half of Sousuke Aizen that nobody ever knew existed. But that is another story. This tale is of Izuru and Gin.

Kira looks up at him, he knows. He knows what has occurred. He can see, he can see quite clearly. It is written all over his face, in his eyes. In that weary smile, in his weary expression. All the hurt in his eyes.

Izuru knows.

A pale hand reaches out to Gin's face, gently touching his cheekbone as eyes meet. Izuru looking deeply into them, as if searching for something. Trying to confirm what he already knows.

"He hurt you again, didn't he?"

Gin's lip quivers and the floodgates open. The tears fall that he thought he had cried out before were still there in him, and pouring from him without end. All the hurt that he had tried to bury inside of him had fought its way to the surface with just one sentence from Izuru Kira.

He looked away. He couldn't even look at him. He lets his snowy white hair cover what it could of his red eyes, bloodshot now from crying so much. Warm arms now pulling him into a warm chest as he cried his tears of hurt, soft hands drying what they could of his tears.

"It's okay… I'm here."

Gin couldn't believe it. Even after all that he did, Izuru was _comforting _him. Holding him as he cried on his bed.

"I- I jus- I just want a- all the pain to go away…"

Because it wasn't just the physical pain. It was the emotional pain too. All the hurt and the guilt of causing hurt. All of the feelings of self worthlessness of being abused.

"Shhh, its okay love…"

'Love'? Does Izuru know what he is saying? Does he realise that he had just called him his love? Maybe. But then again, maybe not. But Gin does not care at this point. What matters to him is that he is just being held and comforted and being told that everything will be alright. And that is all that matters.

Soft hands stroke his hair and hold him, calm him, comfort him. Giving him comfort that he feels he does not deserve any more. But he has been broken. He has been made to feel that way. Because of course he is deserving. Of course he is allowed to be loved. Of course he is allowed to be washed of his sins. And Izuru knows this. Izuru knows this more than anyone. Because he knows what it is like to be abused by someone. Someone that you knew and trusted. Someone that you loved. Izuru knows because he still remembers his own heartbreak.

"Ca- can you make it go away Izuru?"

Izuru held him closer as Gin cried into his chest, returning the embrace. Accepting the only form of comfort that he has ever received since the trauma and lies had began.

"Let me tell you something, Gin."

'Gin'? Does Izuru really have any concept of what he was saying any more?

"I love you…"

"But-"

Before Gin could utter so much as a word of protest at anything he was interrupted by Izuru's soft lips pressing against his own. All thoughts were immediately quieted and there was no fighting back. Some soft moans unknowingly escape Gin as their innocent kiss gradually became the wrestling of tongues. Izuru's tongue gently and yet so passionately exploring the mouth that had once uttered such profanities and curse words at him. Gin finding his own inexperienced tongue trying to reciprocate, trying to awkwardly return the kiss. Because this is, in fact, his first kiss. And he doesn't know how to return it properly. But Izuru doesn't care. Izuru just ignores his shortcomings as always. Never judging him, never speaking harshly back to him. It was like a stupid and naïve dream.

But it wasn't a dream.

Maybe Izuru was just taking advantage of him, maybe wanting to hurt him as well. But it didn't feel like it. Izuru was just being so… gentle with him. So gentle that this couldn't possibly have any malicious intent behind it. Maybe Gin was just so love starved that he would take any form of affection, or did he really have some feelings for Izuru? He must have done, because he was reciprocating. Or at least, trying to. He did always have a soft spot for Kira, but then again he didn't really know what he was feeling any more. All he knew was that this was the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, and that this was someone that loved him. And that he loved back.

"Make the pain go away Izuru…" he whispered quietly, Izuru's hands now gracing his shoulders, starting to undress him. His own hands unsurely stripping the blonde of his white hakama as both red and blue pairs of eyes met again for one very long moment before either of them continued moving again. The both of them were kneeling on the bed, and Gin's shihakusho hung loosely off his shoulders. He kissed Izuru again deeply before letting him lay his now completely exposed body down onto the bed, breaking the kiss off again. Lying on his back again while looking up at Izuru with fear in his eyes, for he has experienced this before. And he knows it to be painful.

"Are… are you going to hurt me?"

"No… I am going to love you."

He felt Izuru's warm lips against his own again, and the feeling of his gentle tongue against his own again before it slowly breaks away again.

"I am going to make love to you Gin."

Gin gasped, and his heart pounded. Oh god, was this going to hurt again? Was he just going to be in pain? What if Izuru was rough and abusive like Aizen was before? What if…

"It's okay…" Izuru said to him, probably sensing the panic running madly through him, "I won't do anything to hurt you."

Gin knew that he wasn't lying. He knew that he wasn't being malicious just to try and get him into bed. Izuru really meant it. And Gin, for the first time in probably his entire lifetime among the Gotei Thirteen, experienced honesty.

"Ahh, Izuru…" Gin gasped, trying to breathe, giving out little yelps as Izuru entered him, his voice having removed what fear there was. Letting him calm for a moment before doing so. Letting all of the fear melt away from him before gently taking him. Allowing Gin to feel what one is supposed to feel when having sex and not the agonising pain of being abused. It was all so different to Gin, he was expecting pain but what he got was something else entirely. Pleasure? Was this what it was supposed to feel like? He gathered it was, but then again, all the sex he has had previously was just empty. Empty and hurtful. His body was practically torn apart. But Izuru was different. Izuru took his time, he didn't rush at all. Izuru was warm and loving, so gentle and reassuring. So… different.

Gin gasped again as he felt Izuru move. It was a slow movement, not at all harsh, but still it made him jump a little when he felt it. But he was still sore, he was still tender. He had just been abused. But Izuru knew this, Izuru knew everything. So he took his time, he was gentle with Gin's fragile body. Gentle like a lover should be.  
Soft pleasured moans echo into the quiet, and the events from before are quickly forgotten in the heat of passion, Gin's body fully submitting and responding to Izuru. Their tongues softly yet playfully wrestling with each other as they made love, experiencing emotions that they should have felt a long time ago. Love, compassion, and understanding. The feeling of wanting to be with someone not just on a physical level but an emotional one as well. The feeling of truly devoting yourself to another as Izuru was devoting himself to Gin right now. Gin was feeling all of that. And that was what he wanted. He wanted to be loved by someone. Someone that wouldn't hurt or use him. Someone that wouldn't betray or lie to him. He wanted to be loved by Izuru.

His body had already been torn apart, and it probably damaged him for life. But he was sure that if things had been different, if they had been brought together under different circumstances, then he would have surrendered to Izuru anyway. Because delving right down, he did have some feelings for Izuru. Deep down he knew that, but he had always been afraid of it. Afraid of being loved. Afraid of loving again. Because the last time he loved he just ended up getting hurt. So to be loved after all that pain and heartache just seemed to be a dream come true.

He was actually making love.

He was blushing madly, and letting out some embarrassing yelps and noises, but that didn't matter. Izuru didn't seem to care. All that mattered was the fact that he was eliciting such moans of pleasure from him, and just loving him the way that he was supposed to be loved.

"Haaah, Izuru…"

He kept calling out his name, trying to say what he wants to say half through shock and pleasure, but he can't. He is just too overcome with it all. Of being abused and then being loved like this so shortly afterwards. It just seemed so surreal…

"Gin…"

Izuru says his name sensually, with pure devotion showing in his voice. For this is his lover, his lover whose heart needed fixing. And right now, he was the only one who could glue it back together.

"… I love you Gin."

"Ah! Izuru…"

Gin pulled him in and kissed him again, unsure of how else to get across what he was feeling. It was such a passionate and deep kiss, deeper than any other, but Izuru returned it, not once flinching away. Not once backing off or breaking away. He just let Gin take some of the control of his tongue and explore him openly, without fear of being awkward or making any mistakes. But there are no mistakes, for this just feels so right. This just feels so intimate on an emotional level. So good that it cannot be wrong. Because love was love, no matter who felt it.

They made love right into the early hours of the morning, just as the sun was starting to break through the horizon. And after they were done they both just lay there together, panting. Calming down their bodies, Gin being held by Izuru once more, finally being able to say the thing that he has not been able to say for such a long time before they drifted off into sleep together.

"I… I love you Izuru."

* * *

_[poem continued]_

_So let me make it better_

_Please let me dry your tears_

_Because, for now, it's you and me_

_And you can just cry into me_

.

_I know it's hard, I know it hurts_

_But let me fix your broken heart_

_So now tonight, just let me in _

_And I can make it go away _

_  
I just want you to be happy _

_And forget the pain you're in _

_And maybe I could hold you _

_And comfort you, my dear _

_  
But that's if things were different _

_That's if you'd said 'I'm hurt' _

_That's if you could have come to me _

_And let yourself be loved_


End file.
